It's funny how you don't realize things weren't okay until they're okay again.
I think I may have had a little bit of PPD. Either PPD or all the feelings I maybe should have felt about Christian's accident surfaced after they'd been hushed so I could deal with other stuff like...oh, I don't know, having another baby, adjusting to a new life, mothering a preteen, trying to be at least an okay wife, and taking care of this other new baby I had and all of his special needs. I didn't really have time to feel anything nor did I want to. I still don't want to rehash it.
But something about those feelings - feelings of grief and sadness and guilt - they have a funny way of rearing their ugly heads at the most inopportune moments. Like when it's quiet and there is room to roam, in come those feelings. Ick.
I had a tough...no...uncomfortable last couple of months. Not tough, no. I know what tough is and that's too strong an adjective. It was just uncomfortable. I felt disgruntled, a little jaded maybe. I lost what made me who I was. That sounds so Oprah so I'll dive in. Who I am is someone who likes pretty things, who occasionally might get a pedicure just to sit in those bad ass massage chairs, who actually likes doing things with her kids, who goes out with friends for coffee, who has a date night with her husband. Someone who likes to turn dance music up really loud in the car and who forgets to take movies back to Blockbuster for weeks and forgets she also has a membership to Netflix she never uses but pays for. I'm the girl who likes to plan parties and wears a nauseating amount of pink. Why am I repeating all this Shauna-centered stuff? More to remind myself because I forgot. And for some reason I was thinking maybe I didn't deserve to be who I was anymore.
Then I started sinking back into myself again and it felt really good. But it all started with a few simple words at church. One of them being - freedom. I finally set myself free to be myself again. I don't have to be a martyr. I don't have to forever be known as a special needs mommy, a pediatric brain injury advocate. I can be other things. I'm also a mom. I'm Christian, Lola, and Gabe's mom - all of them. I'm Manny's wife and Barry and Robin's daughter, and Karen, Paloma, and Reina's friend. Why would I stop doing that? I LOVE all those roles. But I put them on hold like the only thing I was allowed to do was be a special needs parent - advocating and fighting and thrashing through this new found world.
Yes, there's a part of me that is all that. But there's so much more that I had to get a hold of. Just a simple word and a Sunday at church can really reroute someones psyche.
My most important role that I'm so excited to get back to...
Mommy to the Lo-Baby: Tricking myself into thinking she has enough hair on her head to hold a clippie. Only for a split second did this last. Ah well, someday. But she's really thrilled about the idea.
Mommy to Chrissy-Poo: I love when he sleeps like this.
And Mom (Not Mommy, he's too hard core for that) to the Gabester: It's hard to connect to a preteen or tween, if you will. The best way I find is through food. So we got our S'more on! Holla.
Yeah, we not only made them with Hershey's, but Hershey's cousin Reese's joined us for some S'more deliciousness. Jealous?
Slowly but most definitely, I'm coming back.
